so this is almost 24 hours of no sleep for me, and the last time i did sleep, i only got about 5 hours (at the very most). i've got a lot to do tomorrow (today), too. so the question is: should i go to sleep now or just stay awake the rest of the day?
i've got gingerbread houses to make.
the worst part is that, at this point, i can't find any music that makes me feel good. not even Raffi. there's just something troubling about every song i listen to, no matter how happy or encouraging it may be.
i learned how to play Sublime - Boss DJ tonight. it's so nice, i want to hear the same song twice. it's so nice, i want to hear the same song twice. but i played it much more than twice; i played it over and over again and over and over again until it wasn't so nice anymore, until it wasn't anything anymore. try repeating something that many times - it loses all meaning. repetition is a funny thing because a little bit of it can strengthen meaning, while too much can destroy it altogether.
but now i've got grape juice diluted with water and it makes me feel a little better.
i just thought of a new livejournal username i would like to have: somniloquy (sóm'nilukwee) - the medical term for sleep talking. i think that's really what i'm doing here most of the time - talking in my sleep - but probably so are a lot of other people which is why i'm not surprised the name's already been taken.
i should be going to Florida next week but everything is just too complicated. i'm not sure what's good for me anymore. my magic eight ball is empty, or it might as well be.
i hate the way it feels to look back from the future on things that haven't happened yet. there's nothing quite so helpless or hopeless. i've never really been able to explain it but that's the way i felt in a certain recurring nightmare that i used to have when i was little. it must have been in an unknown dimension or something because i can't describe it with words or even pictures, but i can remember it. i can remember that feeling that was so much more than just a feeling, of desperately wanting to stop some terrible thing that i could see happening and ending and approaching all at the same time, but not being able to do anything about it. it's like slipping off the edge of the grand canyon and being paralyzed for eternity in that moment of complete shock. it's like fast forward and rewind at the same time.
there are still moments when i experience that emotion (for lack of a better word) and it's only in those moments that i really understand it at all.
haha, i'm not insane. really. it just feels good to type this stuff out. i'm just sleep talking.
maybe i should stay awake until 8:00 tomorrow morning. that would be 48 hours. i don't think i've ever been awake that long.
no liz. why do you do this to yourself? there's nothing cool or interesting or funny about sleep deprivation.