Lisz (chikapachikapa) wrote,

caterpillar dreams and beatific visions

lately i've been having these moments where i am strangely aware of the fact that i'm becoming a different person. all of us are constantly changing--growing or shrinking, shedding our skin, becoming something other than what we once were--but usually it isn't something we notice until after it's already happened. i can definitely feel it, though. i can't put my finger on what it means, exactly, or where i'm going, but it definitely means something and i'm definitely going somewhere.

it's kind of like i'm in a cocoon, asleep, in a dream that i can't wake up from until i've prepared myself for my own metamorphosis.

i've been learning a lot about myself, in this dream, because the people i meet and the conversations i have are quite often reflections of myself. it's possible that everything i've been experiencing has been a reflection of myself... and this possibility is what scares me.

what terrifies me is the thought that maybe i won't ever figure out what i need to know, or what i need to do in order to get out of here. i'm so afraid of being stuck here forever, because then nothing in my world will ever be anything more than a fragment of myself, a piece of a dream. the people in my life will never be anything more than dream characters; they will never be human beings. i will always be my own universe.

and maybe that is just the way it is, but i sincerely hope it isn't.

in class the other day, my poetry teacher said that perhaps even more awesome than being able to mean it when you say to someone: i love you, is being able to mean it when you say: i know you. he described this amazing, very spiritual moment in his past, when he saw his wife for who and what she truly is: the beauty of all humanity; the beauty of life itself--right there in her being, radiating. he described the experience as a sort of "beatific vision", which, in Catholic theology, is the direct perception of God. my teacher said that he believes almost everyone has an experience like this at least once in their lifetime.

i hope he's right about that, but i'm not so sure. i am pretty sure, though, that no one experiences anything like that in their dreams. in a dream you cannot truly love anybody else, or know anybody else, or see even the briefest glimpse of God in anybody else's being.

when your universe consists entirely of your own self, there is nobody else to know.

so i hope i really am changing into something new--something pure and real. something human. and i hope that when the time comes i'll be able to complete the transition. i know that the past year has got to mean something, and i'm sure that i've been on a journey to somewhere...

i just haven't figured out the specifics as of yet.
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